Everything is the mother's fault

This is a lesson you might recall from your own childhood. Without fail, just about anything that goes wrong in a child's life is the mother's fault. Sometimes it's the child who lays the blame: “You were supposed to pick me up early. . . . You didn't dress me in the right color. . ... You said you would leave the light on. ... You brought the wrong baseball glove.” Other times it's your spouse: “The children should have gone to bed earlier. ... The basement is a mess. ... You should make the kids pick up their toys before bed.” Your parents will tell you what you're doing wrong as well: “You should be letting the baby cry for 10 minutes ... They aren't potty-trained already?” Complete strangers will weigh in: “If you don't lose the pacifier, he'll have buck teeth. ... You shouldn't stop breast-feeding until the baby is a year old.” Now I suppose all this blame makes sense. A mother is often the center of a child's world and therefore worthy of absorbing the bulk of the blame as well the praise for what happens in a child's life – though there always seems to be so much more of the former. I've often thought what a good idea it would be to have child psychiatry a regular part of annual well child doctor's visits. After the vaccinations and the eye-chart test, the child could lie down on a chaise and spill for the doc all the ills he feels mom has inflicted on him. “My mom won't leave the hall light on at night and the noises outside my window scare me.” We could take care of the problem right there at age 5 and avoid having the same conversation with a therapist 30 years later and deciding that mom's hall light failings are to blame for the adult child's foibles. Anyhow, I tired of this whole “It's all the mom's fault thing” some time ago. When anyone in my family starts in with it, I stop them right there ... and agree. “Yes,” I say, “It is my fault. It's all my fault and always will be. However, now that we've established that, we're going to have to solve this problem. Any suggestions?”